Worry as a Free Range Parent

I love Lenore Skenazy.  I've read her book Free Range Kids and subscribe to her blog, http://www.freerangekids.com/.  It is wonderful to find like minded parents.  In case you haven't heard of Free Range Kids, the basics are to teach your children life skills and give them more freedom and responsibility as they develop those skills.  To me that idea has naturally flowed with my goal to teach my children to grow up to be responsible members of society.

But several comments I've read from other like minded parents have me scratching my head and contemplating.  One particular statement sticks in my mind, 'I went to get my child from his friends where he told me he was going.  He wasn't there and I didn't worry.  I just looked in the next logical place.'  Okay, first of all, part of teaching your children responsibility is that he would have let you know if he moved on to a new location.  But my bigger problem with this is the statement I didn't worry.

Really, you didn't worry at all?  You didn't have a single moment of  'OMG where is my child?'  Well, I will say, good for you.  I'm not that good.  I have to fully admit to being a worrier.  I worry a lot.  I worry when I get in the car on a rainy day and drive into town.  I worry when my kid is frying things in the kitchen.  I worry when my youngest runs off at Wal-Mart and none of the other four people I am with remember the last time they saw him.  I worry when my teen daughter gets behind the wheel.  I worry when my kids ride the horse.  Do you get the picture?  I worry.

And I'm sure that I am not alone.  I would bet alot of self proclaimed parents of Free Range Kids worry.  As a matter of fact I've never read Lenore say don't worry about your child.  So here's the difference.  I do worry.  I don't panic.  I don't assume because my child is missing he has been abducted.  That just doesn't happen often.  But because I have taught him to be polite and where he is supposed to be I worry that some emergency has taken him off.  Or that he started riding his bike home and had a bike accident or been hit by a car.  This does happen occasionally.  But I won't panic.  I will just look in the next logical place.  And when I find him healthy and alive I will proceed to put the fear of Mom into him and ground him to kingdom come.  Then a few days later when that has expired I will trust he has learned his lesson and let him go out again.

When my daughter is old enough to drive the car by herself I will worry when she is late.  I will not panic.  I will try to call her (but she had better not answer her phone while she is driving!)  I will imagine her in every possible type of car accident.  I will imagine her unconscious in the hospital because what other reason could she possibly have to be late and not let me know?  And when she shows up and her cell phone battery is dead and she had to drop off an extra friend I will be relieved.  And then I will put the fear of Mom into her and take away her car keys for the same amount of eternity it felt like while I worried.  And then when that has expired I will hand her back the keys, remind her of the lesson she has learned, and send her out into the world again.

So for me the key to being a parent of Free Range Kids isn't not worrying.  That would be impossible.  The idea is to not panic and not over react; to allow them the freedom they have earned by being the responsible, well mannered children I have taught them to be.  And when they act like irresponsible children (or should I just say children) I will remind them that freedom is a privilege and you must continue to earn it with your responsible behavior.  And in the interim I will worry.  I will worry when they are out of my site.  I will worry when I can see them.  I will worry when they climb over the second story deck railing to play along the outside.  I will worry if they are happy in life, if they are fitting in in their new schools, if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend and is that person kind to them.  I will worry, but it will not eat me alive.  I will worry, but I will not panic.  I will worry, but I will not let that worry stop my children from doing the things kids should do.  I will worry, but I will not interfere in their lives unless they need more guidance to be and become responsible members of society.